Week 9

So I skipped Week 8, no big deal right? :)

This week comes with a ton of anxiety. A lot of it is brought on myself, but I can't help it. I have a doppler and with Brady heard the heartbeat at 9 weeks. With Annie, I heard it at 8 1/2 weeks. This one? Still nothin'. I am telling myself that the doppler is getting old... that's what it is. Jared says, "This is why I hate that thing." Well I love it... if it works. :) So since it hasn't worked yet, of course, my mind wanders to a missed miscarriage. Which would be something different from my other three losses. I do hang on to the fact that I am still nauseous and that's pretty much it. Feeling so good never felt so hard.

I have my next ultrasound on Monday and I will be 9 weeks 6 days, so almost 10 weeks. If I don't hear a heartbeat on my doppler by then, it is going to be an amazing appointment if I can see this little babe's heart flickering away. I wish Monday would get here fast!

Until then, I try to just not think about it and keep busy. This week has been pretty busy so I can't even believe it's almost Thursday. I just gotta keep going. Jared and I play Zelda every night and that helps keep my brain busy too. :)

On Monday, I sang through all the songs for the primary program with the kids. The last song was "He Sent His Son." This was my favorite song when I was little. I'm going to type the words and highlight the parts that made me full on cry.

How could the Father tell the world of love and tenderness?
He sent his Son, a newborn baby, with peace and holiness.
How could the Father show the world the pathway we should go?
He sent his son to walk with men on earth that we may know.
How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice of death?
He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath.
What does the Father ask of us? What do the scriptures say?
Have Faith, Have Hope.
Live like his Son, help others on their way.
What does he ask? Live like his Son.

I definitely have learned and been reminded of a lot after losing Annie. I learned what faith is and have a deep understanding of it. I learned what real hope is and the joy that comes from it's sweetness. And I find myself watching others go through their lives with so much unnecessary drama. This life is hard in so many ways, why make it harder on ourselves. It can be simple, be like Christ. Love others and care for others.

This experience has pushed me SO much closer to my Heavenly Father and increased my understanding of the Plan of Salvation. Why am I here? What do I want to accomplish? It has changed my view on almost everything. Before I would roll my eyes at Jared because he won't watch ANY rated R movies, and I would say, "But this one doesn't have anything bad in it! This certain person recommended it!" And now, he's totally right. Who cares what is in it or not in it. What do I have to gain from watching it? Nothing. But I do have something to possibly lose. There is so much to gain from following every commandment or guideline. It brings us closer to Heavenly Father.

I am just grateful that I let this horrible thing that happened make my life better, instead of losing myself. I miss my Annie. I thought being pregnant again would help, and I think until there is a baby in my arms, it won't. And even then this baby won't replace her. I am grateful for Jesus Christ who came to atone for our sins and to die for us and be resurrected so that we can do the same. I am so grateful that I still get her. And I'm grateful that I have this new knowledge so I can try my very best to be worthy of where she will be.

So I know it's not exactly simple, but it can be in a lot of ways. What does he ask of us? To have Faith, to have Hope, to live like Christ and love and help others. That's all it says. So many of you are great at this and are such good examples to me. But if you find yourself getting frustrated over something or mad about something, ask yourself if it's worth it. In the scheme of things, is it? Even with my doctor who is charging me for a full term delivery, I am not mad at her. I am really sad for her. Is $500 really that much to let anger seed itself in me? No. (I would love an extra $500, don't get me wrong! But it is nothing compared to why we are here.)

Like I said I've learned a lot. And I'm not even writing this to get other people to see things my way, I just had a very spiritual experience singing this song and realizing it's basically what I have learned through my experience of losing Annie and I needed to write it down and show how grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. This was truly one of those tender mercies.