It Wasn't Meant To Be

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. More so than usual, which is saying a lot. Things that I have already thought of a million times... but now I don't just think it, I feel that it's right.

A few weeks after losing Annie, I remembered something. Through my grief, I had forgotten so much about the pregnancy. I remembered that one night I thought my water had broke. BUT it was so much and I thought there as no way that much water could be in a sac at the gestation I was. Jared and I both talked each other into thinking it wasn't my water. Looking back, I feel so stupid. Who cares if it was or not, why didn't I run to the hospital to make sure??

My friend has access to an ultrasound machine and we went for a gender check. It was really hard to see since my placenta was in front. We didn't get a guess, but she did say that the baby looked small and I might want to get checked out before my appointment three weeks later. I thought the baby is probably just small, no big deal. It's a huge deal! I have no idea why it didn't worry me at all.

I listen to my doppler every night. One night, either a Tuesday or Wednesday before finding out she was gone, the baby's heartbeat was crazy fast. It was like 190 for awhile. It made me scared, and I asked Jared about it, but I thought, well it's just fast because it's excited or something. Being scared and KNOWING (third baby with a doppler!) that the heartbeat is never that fast, I should have gone in.

The next few nights I couldn't find the heartbeat on my doppler. I figured it was because the placenta was in front. I give myself one night, but then I should have been checking all through the day, but instead I only checked at night. And a few nights of not hearing it, didn't worry me. Not even a little bit. The last night, I swear I felt a kick. It definitely wasn't... but it calmed me. The next day when I went to get a recheck from my friend is when I was told there was no heartbeat and the nightmare began.

When I was checked by the first doctor and then the second at the hospital, both mentioned there being no amniotic fluid in the sac. It was the first thing they said, maybe even before there being no heartbeat. I think I, and they, both thought it was because the baby had passed away. But looking back, I don't think there would have been that low of water with how long she had been passed away.

Finally I put two and two together and I completely believe my water broke. I called the doctor and spoke to her nurse and she said it was possible. There is no way to know since it had been so long.

So I wonder and I think about WHY I didn't run to get checked out on all those occasions. I was even nervous about losing the baby since I haven't had two babies in a row. You can ask any one who is close to me, I was very nervous. So it doesn't make sense why when I am a nervous wreck, I wouldn't get checked out for all those things.

I finally realized the reason why. It wasn't meant to be.

Annie wasn't meant to be with us. She wasn't supposed to come at that time. If she was, I would have not felt the peace I did in all those situations. It really is an answer to the prayer of "Why?!" It's still hard to take and still unfair, but it shows how much the Lord has a hand in my life. How much that I need to trust Him, and how much He loves me.

I don't blame myself for all these things. I still have the feelings of why didn't I do ____, but then I remind myself that it wasn't meant to be. And I am so lucky I got her for those short 18 weeks. I love her more than words can describe and I miss her. But I know she is in good hands and that she is happy. And I am so grateful for the gospel to allow me to receive these revelations as I pray, search, and ponder.

I bear testimony that this gospel is true. And as we stay close to the Lord, praying, reading our scriptures, and pondering that our prayers will be answered.

I love my daughter and am so lucky she is mine. I feel her close often, and I know she is proud of her mama. And I am so proud of her. This life isn't easy. But I wouldn't even want it that way. I have learned so much and have grown so much.

I am grateful to know that even though she wasn't meant to be with me in this life, I will have her in the eternities. I know in my heart and soul that was definitely meant to be.