Our Little Annie

I went to my two week postpartum appointment today and the first thing the doctor said when she came in was "The baby was a girl."

My first thought was, of course she was. One, I felt like it was a girl. Two, I questioned their decision just looking at her. Three, when I saw her on an ultrasound I thought girl. I don't know how long they had this information... maybe the doctor hadn't looked at my results until right before I came in. It kind of makes me mad.

I have been mourning a little boy named Tanner. I know my baby is the same baby, but that is not how it feels. It feels as if Tanner was taken away and I am given this precious baby girl. I've fallen in love with Tanner, and while I love this baby girl and am so happy to have her, I don't know her. I feel like I need to go through this whole process again to bond with her and mourn her. It's so very confusing.

The first thing I wanted to do before I tried to understand what just happened was name her. To me Tanner is a boy, and I want my little angel to have a beautiful name. We had discussed naming the baby Anne if it was a girl and calling her Annie. My grandmother's name is Ann and I love names with meaning. We decided to stick with that name for our little princess.

I am still in shock about it. It is a lot to take in. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends who unfortunately have been through a trial like this and can understand where I am coming from. They have beautiful words to support me and carry me through this. They are angels. The first thing I am going to do is start with a lot of prayer. I want to know her and form that bond with her. My little girl. My beautiful baby girl that was taken too early.

I have more to say, but I haven't been able to write it out publicly. I will be 20 weeks on Monday, and I think I will try to say something then about how I am doing and a little what it feels like to be in this situation.

For some good news, the doctor said that the baby was perfect. She didn't have anything that would tell them her passing was from a chromosomal abnormality, so any future pregnancies should be okay. I remember thinking with my 3rd pregnancy that there is no way I would have another miscarriage, the odds just aren't that bad. Then it happened and I even let myself think it again with this one, my 5th pregnancy. Then it happened and it was so much worse, because there was a baby. A beautiful baby that passed away. A baby I carried and loved. I do have hope that we can have more children and what the doctor had to say confirmed that.

I still miss her and everything about her. And I am sure as I get pregnant again and go through it all over again, I will think about her and miss her. I can't wait until I get my pictures back from the hospital. They are going to be a baby girl in blue blankets, but still my baby girl. I want you all to see her precious hands and feet and how perfect she was. It wasn't a "miscarriage". Technically it was, I was two weeks away from it being called a stillbirth, but I labored and birthed this baby. I held her. I love her. And I miss her. And there is just no "getting over it."

Sigh.

I know there is "getting through it" and it is a process that is long. I have learned quite a bit in the past few days from personal pondering and discussions with Jared and reading articles. I know there is a way to find joy in life. But still ask how I am doing, because I so want to talk about my baby. My baby girl... my little Annie.