Tanner's Memory Box

Having been through trials before and seeing others go through trials, you kind of know the church answers on how to find peace and understanding in a trial. But what happens when you don't want to find it? Finding peace means moving on and moving on is really hard. It seems to mean that you are okay with what happened. And that can not happen so soon. I know there isn't a time table for this, but it certainly shouldn't be in the first week.

The 2nd day after I delivered Tanner, I hardly cried. I felt so much peace and I know it was from all the thoughts and prayers of friends and family. It was amazing. The next day was much harder, but oddly enough, I wanted it that way. I want to mourn him. I don't know if this really makes sense unless you've been through it. Why wouldn't someone want to find peace and understanding? I know I can't go on forever feeling this heavy grief, so I thought, when will I start praying for peace and the courage to heal?

While driving up to Idaho for Thanksgiving I decided to start after I had filled Tanner's memory box with all the things I planned. There isn't a timeline for this, but I figure this is a good way to give myself permission to find happiness in those small day to day things. Right now, I don't even want to say anything to any one about anything, because they might think I am doing better, and I'm not... I'm still mourning.

I got a memory box from the hospital, but it is kind of small. I am going to try and find another box or chest that will hold everything I want to add now and later. I am going to get a journal that I will write in on holidays or special events or in times when I am missing him. I am going to print out all the pictures I took of my pregnant belly and the pictures from the hospital. I also want to find a way to make the hand and foot molds stronger. They are so fragile right now and I am terrified that they will break. They are SO precious to me. My boys both have flannel blankets with their names embroidered on the edge. I bought some fabric to make a tiny blanket and I am going to embroider Tanner's name around the edge. The fabric is from a line I decided if the baby was a boy, I was going to make him a blanket out of it. Just because he passed away and was born early, doesn't mean I shouldn't still make it. I also want to write out his story, from when we found out we were expecting him to his birth.

I am actually very excited to collect all these things. I love and miss him so much. There is no way to describe going from holding your growing belly, to absently holding it and remembering nothing is there. It sucks going through all the post pregnancy crap with no baby to sleep deprive you so you don't notice how crappy it is. It's been a week and I still can't do much without putting myself into a lot of pain. It's terrible putting on regular pants that you had just washed to put away, I had been wearing my maternity pants for weeks.

What is wonderful is my friends and family who remember me during this time and show their love. It means so much to me to know those mourn with me. I know it can be hard to talk to me, not knowing what to say, but the gesture really means the world to me. And those hugs, really help me know I am loved.

I know in time, I will be okay. But I want to make sure I do everything I can to honor Tanner and the short time he was with us. No matter how long it takes.