20 Weeks

Today marks my 20 week mark in my pregnancy with Annie. I can't even believe it has been just two weeks since we lost her. It feels like months.

I don't even know what to say. There is SO much to say and so much I want to keep to myself.

Yesterday was a day of miracles. We talked about miracles in Sunday School, and as I wrote to Annie that night in my journal, I couldn't help but tell her how blessed we are.

This is going to sound really weird, and this is the part I feel like I should keep to myself, but maybe I feel like I need to write it for someone else who may go through this.

Finding out the baby was a girl two weeks later has been kind of a blessing. It's truly amazing and a miracle. I still feel like I lost two children. And I don't know when that will change, if ever. When I think of my baby, I think of my Tanner who I held in blue blankets at the hospital. I mourned that baby boy. When I think about missing my baby, that is who I think of. But when I think of my daughter, (and it brings tears to my eyes every time) I think of her spirit. I think of her as in her 20's. She looks kind of like me, but a little taller and skinnier (of course!) and she has the warmest glow about her. She has a smile on her face... she is dressed in white just like at the temple. When I think of Anne, I can't help but feel joy and be so proud of her. She is perfect and so special. And how lucky are we as a family to have her as an angel watching over us? And how lucky are we to know we have a daughter who is perfect and will receive all the blessings of heaven without all the pain of this world? It is such a beautiful experience.

Another miracle I realized is my friend Michelle. All she did was something simple, but it helped me immensely. She reached out to me after I had a little time to grieve and share her experience and love. She sent me her blog that has letters to her angel Emma. In those posts, I could feel her testimony, and I see this whole experience as her letting me borrow her testimony for a little bit. I never had to let go of my baby and just work on feeling better, I still had my sadness while I read about the joy in having a Heavenly Father who loves us and how special having an angel baby is. And as much as it stinks, it really is special. I can't even explain the deep contrasting feelings I have. But in just a few short days, I have remembered my testimony and felt it grow. Instead of knowing He is there when I am ready, I felt Him. I didn't even have to go to Him... thanks to my dear friend.

We went to our niece's wedding on Saturday and it was so spiritual. I know that they won't remember what their sealer said, but I always will. I am so grateful for eternal families and my eternal companion. I love him so much, and the bond we have has been strengthened so much through losing our baby. And I felt my daughter there, holding my hand and comforting me.

Another miracle is that I got up and bore my testimony in church yesterday. A few days before that I would have told you that I absolutely never would have done that. But when I woke up that morning, I wrote to Annie and when I was done, I knew I needed to get up. And getting up was the best thing I could have done. It allowed me to tell everyone what happened, how sad I was, but how thankful I am for a loving Heavenly Father. And I cried a ton... and I didn't cry the rest of church. I think if I hadn't have gotten up, I would have had a really hard time the rest of the meetings. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a miracle. It allowed me to give my ward family permission to talk to me and love me. After Young Women's my beehives came up with lots of hugs. I was so scared of what they would say, and it was better than I could have imagined. I am so blessed.

Another miracle was a man in my ward who I won't name. I didn't know him, but he came up to me after I sacrament to tell me how much I touched him. Then he told me a beautiful quote on how those who mourn are best able to mourn with those that mourn. And how true this is! I asked him to write it down, because I have a terrible memory. Later that night, as I was finishing up decorating our home for Christmas I heard a knock on the door. Jared was putting Ryan to bed so I answered it. It was this man. He again told me how much he felt for me and then handed me a bill. I looked down and couldn't believe the amount. I grabbed his arm and told him he didn't have to do that, and he said he knew he didn't have to, but he wanted to. While I was holding his arm, I could feel the spirit. He was my spirit brother and felt his love. We didn't know each other, but he still loved me. I felt Christ's love.

In all of this, even though I didn't want to feel it for awhile, I know that I am loved. I know that I wasn't given this trial. After lots of pondering and discussion, this is something that sadly happened, but we are loved. Everything is taken care of. We have a knowledge of the plan of salvation, of life after death, and eternal families. And a knowledge of kindness and charity. How could I ignore all of these miracles and wallow in my sadness? I just couldn't. Even though I still miss my baby and mourn "them", I feel peace.

Another thing that I experienced this weekend was the image of my daughter with her grandma. Jared's mom passed away 6 years ago, and I don't know why, but I didn't even think about this image until Saturday. I have always felt sad that my children would never know their grandma in this life. She was an amazing woman and loved so well. And I realized that I do have a child that will know her and she gets her all to herself for a while. How lucky is she?

Tomorrow would be our big ultrasound to check the baby. It feels like a different life. I think I will go to the temple and spend time with her that way. I am so grateful for temples and a place where the veil is thin.

Even with all of this, I still hurt, I just have joy as well. I need to know those around me remember her and ask how I am doing. The best thing for a mother who has been through losing a child is being allowed to talk about them, even if it means crying and knowing they are safe doing it. It's hard thinking everyone has moved on and you are afraid to mention it because "you should be over it by now." Or people just want you to be happy and not sad any more and you watch what you say because you don't want to make them sad. It's a very difficult feeling. I remember how it feels on the other side... but my knowledge has been opened to a new way to mourn with those that mourn. Just like the quote the man gave me. Through this I have a new gift, that I can help others as they go through these terrible things.

I miss it. I was pregnant with a baby girl. But my soul is bursting with thankfulness and the spirit is so strong, and I know it is my Annie helping me. I have my own angel. I love her so much, and I would go through it all over again to make sure I had her as my daughter. How lucky am I?