I've heard of many people who have had experiences of their children coming to them in dreams or visions and saying, "Mom/Dad I'm ready to come."
We have never prayed to know if and when to have a baby. I always knew I wanted more, there was really no need to pray about it. Because I have had miscarriages before each of my live children, I began to wonder if that was why. If maybe I had prayed about it first, then I would have known it wasn't the right time and to wait. I knew if we were ever to have another child I wanted to pray about it and get answers. I wanted one of those dreams or visions and I was determined to wait until I got one! :)
Having three kids was rough. Brynn was a clingy baby, the boys were toddler boys, it exhausted me. After Brynn turned one, I started to struggle with depression and anxiety. I wanted more in my life and just couldn't find the motivation to get it. I tried checking out my hormones, depression medication, but what helped the most was starting to read my scriptures everyday with the Instagram account BofM365. By reading the Book of Mormon and others' testimonies I learned more about my Savior, Jesus Christ, and his love and atonement. And while it didn't take all my struggle away, it definitely gave me direction.
I still struggled with motivation and feeling overwhelmed with many aspects of motherhood. I couldn't even imagine having another child. Once Brynn turned three I really felt like our family was complete, but I wanted to know for sure. I prayed constantly and never received any answers. Jared even got to the point where he would say if we're going to do it, let's just do it. He never agrees to have more kids, he just doesn't discourage it. I needed to know for certain.
The first little prompting I got was in June 2016 at the temple doing initiatories. I was waiting and looking at the names of the people I was doing work for and how they have been waiting for years to receive these blessings. Then the thought came to me that there are many spirits waiting to come to earth to get their bodies and get their work done and be raised in good families. Not really an answer, but just a realization of what is waiting and what we have to offer.
In September I was at the temple again praying to know if we were done or we should have another baby. Again I got an answer, but it wasn't a direct Yes or No. I was thinking about how blessed I had been. That the Lord does keep his promises. As I've strived to be obedient, he's kept every word. It's so amazing to me. As I was pondering this, I felt the Lord say, "I have given you all this so you could be strong. Will you not take the blessing of a child?" My heart burned with the Spirit. I often pray saying, "I would do anything you ask me to do." So hearing this felt like him asking me, "Yes, add to your family, share your love and have joy in this blessing." I felt overwhelmed by the Spirit in the most glorious way. It made me think of a part in the intiatory that says "that you may multiply and replenish the earth and have joy in your posterity." The first part is usually what stood out to me, but the second part burned within my heart. JOY! The thing that scared me the most was the extra hard work, and here was the reminder that with that is extra joy and blessings.
After I finished, I decided to go up to the Celestial room to give thanks for this beautiful experience. As you walk out of the dressing room there is a beautiful painting by Elspeth Young. It's of a young pioneer mother walking along daisies. Her face is always melancholy, and I loved it because despite the hard, she pressed forward with faith in God and love for her family. For me with my depression and anxiety, I often felt not good enough, but this painting said to me, "You are doing your best, you are so much more than you think, you are loved, keep trying, keep doing what you're doing, have faith." As I turned to look at this painting before going up, I found that she had a slight smile this time. She was peaceful, she was happy. I couldn't believe it. She was mirroring my emotions. It was another little tender mercy of the answer I was given. Now I needed to receive the answer of when to have another child.
At the beginning of October I was at the temple again and right before I finished the temple worker said, "How many children do you have?" I said 3. She said, "I can just see you pregnant." I told her my youngest was 3, I was pregnant before the Payson Temple was built. She said, "I worked at the Provo Temple before that." She just thought she had seen me before, but I was just pregnant then. I told her that I've never been to the temple when pregnant. I said maybe you're trying to tell me something about the future! And she said, "No, I'm just a crazy lady, don't mind me!" But it certainly made me think! We looked into our insurance and found out that the cycle starts over in July. If we tried to conceive that month I would be due June 30th, and basically all the costs of the pregnancy and delivery would be free because we hit our deductible already. That gave us the go ahead. I still felt very nervous. Even though I had received wonderful answers, the fear and anxiety just took over. but we went forward with faith.
We found out we were pregnant October 20th, right before we went to Moab for Fall Break. It was surreal. That was a wonderful trip, everyone could walk, no diapers, it was just nice and to think we would have a baby again, we basked being on vacation in the non baby stage.
We decided to wait until we found out what gender the baby was to announce. We waited until 17 weeks to tell everyone, even the kids. We found out in January at 16 weeks that we were having a baby boy! Everything looked great on the ultrasound. I couldn't believe that one of my odd number pregnancies was going to actually result in a live baby.
For our announcement, we wanted to do family pictures with my little growing belly. My friend Rachael Grotegut took them and they turned out so cute! I love them.
I still struggled with anxiety and enjoying the pregnancy. I also had begun to search for a therapist and take medication to help. I was disappointed the baby was a boy, I really wanted Brynn to have a sister, but really I think that disappointment stemmed from the heaviness I felt in general. I knew we had done the right thing though, and I knew once he came everything would be wonderful. Having faith is sometimes hard. But being obedient always brings blessings. I knew Baby Boy would bring such joy to our family.
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