This was the best picture we could get.
At 21.6 weeks our baby was measuring 19.1 weeks... almost 3 weeks behind in growth. Not only that but my fluid levels were at a 4, normal for this gestation is about a 15. 4 is dangerously low. Because of the size and low fluid, the tech couldn't get everything measured that she wanted. She also couldn't confirm gender, but was confident from our last ultrasound we were having a boy. In this ultrasound I was having a contraction which made it hard to see the cervix. The baby also wasn't moving hardly at all. It was such a shock, one that I was totally unprepared for. The ultrasound was after business hours so she said the doctor would call me tomorrow with the results and that most likely we would be setting up an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) to see a perinatologist.
We left that appointment in shock and heavy sadness. I thought this pregnancy, #7, had beaten the odds. Why was this happening? I started feeling like our sweet baby boy was already gone. I was thinking about his funeral and how we would put both his and Annie's names on the headstone. I was devastated. When we got home we took a belly pic, just in case it would be our last chance. I tried really hard to smile and hold back my tears.
Since we didn't have that much information, I started googling. I googled growth restriction (IUGR) and low fluid. I learned that bed rest, lots of fluids, eating extra protein was the way to go. This would help keep baby alive, but there was still a lot of uncertainty and almost certainly he would be born early and very small. With losing fluid, there was pretty much no chance.
The next day I called the doctor around 12 and left a message. Then I waited until 3 pm and couldn't take it any more. I called again saying that I thought I might be having contractions. I might be leaking. And did they have my results?? His nurse called me back and said that they would make the appointment with MFM on Monday. Monday?! That was 3 days away! She said if I felt I was having contractions or leaking to go to the ER. I had so much fear and anxiety I could hardly breathe.
I decided to go to the ER because I needed to know for sure if I was leaking or contracting. They sent me to L&D. I was bawling. They checked me for any leaking and for contractions. While I was hooked up we could hear his heartbeat. For 45 minutes his heartbeat was beating away. The tests came back negative for leaking. And I was not having contractions. I left the hospital feeling a little bit better, but still just so devastated.
When I got home that Friday night, I felt abandoned. I didn't want to turn to God for help, how could I ask for his life to be spared and then deal with his loss? I finally prayed. I didn't pray for him to live, but I prayed that I would be guided in what I should do to help him.
The memory of hearing his heartbeat kept coming back to me. My son was alive. I was acting like he was already dead. The only thing I could give him right now was my hope and positive energy. I needed to send him as much love as I could. I decided to look up positive affirmations that I could say to him to change the energy around me and to help calm my anxiety.
"I set my worries aside and know I am doing everything I can."
"I am the most important person in my baby's world. How I feel matters and I choose to feel safe."
"My baby and I are one. I now choose to create peace within me and around me."
"As I change my view, the world around me changes. I choose joy!"
"My baby is happy and healthy and strong."
"My baby's body is growing and the fluid is filling."
I wasn't sure if it was ok to say things that might not be true. So I reached out to my friend Littia Sellers. She taught Hypnobabies and it was in that class that I learned about positive affirmations in pregnancy. I asked her if it was ok to say these things that might not be true. She said absolutely! Then she told me that she is certifying in Body (Energy) Work and she offered to do some work on me and the baby for free. I couldn't believe that already the Lord was answering my prayers. I was being guided. I absolutely said yes.
She did the baby first.
She released a trapped emotion of Grief inherited from me. Makes sense.
She realigned the manubrium and sternum as well as the kidneys. The kidneys needed butternut squash, hubbard squash, and quinoa.
She released a trapped emotion of stubborness inherited from Dad (goes back 3 generations).
Released a trapped emotion of terror that was picked up from me. I felt terrible about that, but there was no question I was terrified being a mom of four and going back to the baby stage.
She also looked at the placenta. There was an imbalance and I needed eucalyptus leaf and passion flower to help. The passion flower helps balance estrogen, lower anxiety and depression and elevated blood pressure. The Eucalyptus Leaf reduces blood sugar levels, its anti inflammatory, antiseptic, and antiviral. After giving me this information she said to pray about it and ask for guidance if these are things that I need to address.
On myself, she released the trapped emotion of grief.
The anxiety I suffer from is excess Adrenalin hormone. I also have Psychic trauma energy which leads to vulnerability and horror - this is from Annie's death and birth.
She released the emotion of frustration which is inherited from my dad's side two generations back. I figure the frustration is from stubborness and bossiness, which can lead to frustration. :)
I prayed about it and decided to do everything she suggested, everything could only help. I looked up the nutrients in the squash and quinoa to see what the similar nutrients were in them. I found Magnesium, Calcium, and Potassium. The interesting thing is that when I checked my prenatals (that I get from the health food store!) these nutrients are very low in them. So Jared got a Calcium/Magnesium supplement for me. I researched what foods are higher in these nutrients and potassium. The potassium is extremely important to get in foods. I have a "potassium smoothie" every morning. Bananas, Strawberries, Spinach, Coconut Water, Yogurt are all things that have higher levels of potassium. Because I also need extra protein, I drink protein drinks and those have extra potassium as well. We got butternut squash from Costco and season it and cook it up for a snack during the day. We got passion flower tea which I drink every night. I use Lavendar (to help with anxiety) and Eucalyptus oils twice a day on my feet and every other day I put some drops in a bath. I put myself on bed rest according to what I read on Google. I was doing everything I felt guided to do. I felt peace.
On Monday I called that morning to talk to the person that schedules with MFM. She called me back and said the only appointment she could get was for March 7th. That was the next tuesday. I couldn't believe it! I now had to wait over another week to get some answers. She said that I was on the cancellation list so to keep my phone with me at all time. Fortunately I had found so much peace and direction. I am so grateful I was able to calm down enough to be guided by the spirit.
A couple weeks before my ultrasound I accidentally was taking phenegren that I thought was zoloft. Phenegren makes me very sleepy (I had it as an anti-nausea medication). I was sleeping all day and at night. I couldn't even make plans with people because I would cancel them from being so tired. When I finally realized it wasn't zoloft, I stopped taking it and started the zoloft. Well the zoloft was having the same effect! I finally realized drowsiness was a symptom so I stopped taking it in the morning. My days and nights were all screwed up, but I was determined to change it around. And I did, the day of the ultrasound. The weeks leading up to it I was basically homebound, only doing the bare minimum. That day of the ultrasound I went shopping (we were going to go to disneyland the week after so I was shopping for disney shirts), I had Brady's friends over, I shoveled the snow, I was doing so much! I felt pretty good about that. But after all of this I realized what a blessing taking those medications was. Who knows if this baby would still be alive if I had regular energy. Would we have lost all the fluid? Would his heart just have stopped beating like Annie's? I am so grateful for those couple weeks. Knowing this gave me hope that maybe the Lord does want this baby boy to live.
Another realization I had is I thought back to when the Lord gave me my answer about having more children. I thought why would he tell me to have more if I would just lose it? But I remembered the words, "I have given you all this so you could be strong. Will you not take the blessing of a child?" I had been prepared. The past two years I have been so blessed to learn and grow and be close to the Lord. I know of the atonement, both for repentance and comfort. It was a great reminder that I should not turn away from the Lord, that if I stay close to Him, he will guide me, he will comfort me, and to hold strong to my faith. He has faith in me to endure and love this baby boy and be guided to help him. Often we don't feel very strong, but I definitely felt His strength and knew I could rely on it. I felt very blessed in a very hard time.
I did my best on bed rest, we got a few dinners from friends, Jared did as much with the kids as he could, I drank tons and tons of water, I studied my scriptures everyday and almost every day the spirit whispered words of comfort through the scriptures or quotes in talks. Jared gave me two blessings, one for comfort and another for healing. We are being carried, as much fear is surrounding this condition, I have faith that everything will be ok.
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