Annie's One Year Angelversary

My mom mentioned that today Annie would be one year old. But actually if Annie had lived to her due date, she would be 7 months old now. I like the word Angelversary because to me it means one year since.

One year since instead of finding out the gender, we found out that our baby was dead. One year since I had to make the decision of having a D&E or delivering it. One year since I was admitted to the hospital where they confirmed the diagnosis and started Cytotec to induce labor. One year since our baby was born, still in it's tiny sac, lifeless. One year since they told us it was a boy and we named him Tanner. One year since we looked on him in awe of his beautiful tiny features, definitely having my chin. One year since we took pictures and molds of his hands and feet to remember him by, and one year since we held him in our hands and told him we loved him and goodbye.

One year since we left the hospital with empty arms and mostly, an empty womb. One year since I spent so many hours laying in bed either sleeping or crying and asking why. One year since we had so many words of comfort and acts of service from those who mourned with us in our loss of our 18 week baby.

One year since we found out that our baby had no chromosomal abnormalities and that our baby was actually a girl. A girl! One year since we named her Annie. One year since I went from deep despair to feeling Christ's love so strongly and feeling him close and having my faith increase.

It feels like this is how angelversaries will be. I remember back to the words, "There is no heartbeat. I'm so sorry." And those simple words bring so many tears and sadness. In this moment, I just want my baby to be healthy and strong and things to be so different. In that moment I miss all that might have been. And then my same questions come up of why and what does this mean. I do not have all the answers. My main answer is trust in God. My faith increased, because I finally learned exactly what it meant. I do have faith in Him that all will be well. I feel like when we are back in heaven, there is understanding to everything. This life probably does feel like such a short time in the scheme of things, so things may happen that are so painful to us here, but it's just part of the journey there.

I feel like I can't say I wish things were different and leave it at that. I have to have a "but" at the end of that sentence. I know things happened as they should. I have learned so much from losing Annie, and I feel so grateful to have her as our angel. Like I said above, there is so much more to this life and I look forward to knowing the back story around her death, why she couldn't stay here with us. And I can't wait to hug her and see her beautiful face.

I haven't written this on the blog mostly because so many people were reading it that normally didn't and I didn't want to be misunderstood or judged or argued with. My thoughts are mine and I don't like when people who haven't been through the same thing tell me I'm wrong. :) So I was nervous about it. But I feel like I can do that now. A lot of people say that these babies are ours forever, to raise later, even the earliest miscarriages. And I do believe that in a lot of cases that may be true, but if it were so, why doesn't the church say so? It does not say one way or the other, only a may be. This makes me search for other answers.

One of my biggest questions is regarding Annie's spirit. I have heard of so many stories of women losing a baby in the 2nd trimester and knowing that spirit came back to them in the birth of another child. At first I was kind of freaked out about it, but then I hoped for it. I even wanted to "try" for a girl, just in case it could be the body that housed Annie's spirit. I read a book about dreams and people's experiences with the spirit world by an LDS author, and a lot of it felt right to me. I think it's possible that spirits can come and go while a fetus. I can't imagine that those spirits who were given a body that were going to be miscarried would never have a chance for a life here on earth. Or even those aborted. To me it feels right that they have another chance at a body.

So with this information I wondered how to go about that. I know that Annie's mission on earth can be fulfilled with her short time with me. But honestly, I want her to have a body and have a life here on earth. Even though it is hard and scary, it's what we wanted more than anything when we were spirits. To not just have a body, but to come to Earth to learn and grow and become more like our Father in Heaven. I want that for her. And she doesn't even have to necessarily come to our family, although I would prefer that. But that leads me to the question if she does come to our family, and I feel that it's her, what does that mean for the baby I lost? Super confusing.

I spent a lot of my pregnancy with Brynn not thinking about Annie because it gave me really bad anxiety. If I thought about her,  I'd start wondering about Brynn and if something bad would happen to her too. If this was the same spirit, would she decide to leave, the same as with Annie? It was really hard. Not thinking about it was worked best to continue in living a normal happy life. After Brynn was born, I felt like I could allow thoughts of Annie back in and I found that it was a little empty. Then I immediately felt guilty. Fortunately, there was a day of remembrance in the month of October for pregnancy and infant losses and I felt her close. I was so grateful for that.

I know that Brynn is not Annie. I have questioned and wondered about it since she was born. But I am pretty sure that if it was the case I would know immediately, maybe even while I was pregnant with her. And since I don't know, I am going to stop wondering and know it's not her. That feels okay to me.

Now I am back to the question of Annie's spirit and whether or not she has another chance at a body and if we get to raise her. I still don't know and I almost feel like I will never know. You probably have to be pretty close to the spirit to get a question like that answered and with all the craziness of being a stay at home mom, I don't get near enough quiet and studying time. Although, the night before her angelversary I was praying and got an answer to how to deal with my questions (not an answer itself). I was told to love Annie's spirit. It doesn't matter if she stays in heaven, if she comes back to our family, or even to anther family. I can always love and treasure her spirit. As I write it out, it doesn't completely make sense, but it's the best I can do. I want the best for her spirit, whatever that may be.

I love her so much, and I am so grateful she chose to come to me. I try everyday to remember how her short life changed mine forever and brought me closer to heaven. I live to be a true follower of Christ and be obedient and be a good mother and I know I am far from perfect, but I am trying. I long for the day when I can hug her and just know her.

So today is her angelversary, one year since she came into my life and changed me for a better person. I am so grateful to Annie for choosing me, and I feel so honored to have her call me her mother. I pray the next year brings more answers and more feelings of peace and brings me closer and closer to who I need to be. Thank you sweet Annie for all that you are. I love you.