I don't know how to even start this post. What to write, or how to end it. I don't want to portray anything incorrectly, but writing anything on the internet can easily be misconstrued. So I'm just going to start typing. It will probably sound a lot like rambling, but that's because that's what it is.
Ryan is a vibrant two year old. A two year old who is giving me the run for the money! (Is that the phrase? Probably not. Oh well. haha) Lately, I would say 50% of the time I want to kiss him to pieces and the other 50% of the time I want to spank him so hard! This is when I've realized that spanking is not good, especially if you're doing it for yourself, not so much to teach a lesson. I don't spank him often, but I admit when he hurts Brady, I totally blow up and spank him. Probably more for me than him. I don't even know if it works. I don't even know if I can change it because in that second I am not thinking. I am protecting. After one second of the blow up, I calm down and remember what I should be doing and proceed to time outs.
The main problem is I have a little boy who does not listen. Do two year olds ever listen? Do I have a choice in this predicament? Everything is a battle. I try to keep calm and follow through. most of the time I do it, and let's just not talk about the others. I would just love to have him do something without me counting to three. And then keep doing it without me having to count to three again. If we do anything he doesn't want to do, why does he have to throw a huge tantrum and whine about it? Why does he have to be SO loud and demanding in the car?
Ryan learned how to push down his chest clip and bring his arms out of his straps. After about two weeks of dealing with this: pulling over MULTIPLE times a trip to put it back on and do the whole mommy isn't going anywhere until you put it back up, threatening going to the hospital to get shots (because if we got in an accident, he would get really hurt and have to go to the hospital. He brought the shots up. :), rewarding with treats (that never happened), spanking that resulted in him just hitting me back and saying "not nice, mommy!", we finally came up with a solution. We pinned safety pins on the inside of his straps where his chest clip should rest. Then we put tape around the safety pin so it would never come open. This has made our car trips several times more calm!
My son is adorably cute. And really when I sit down to type all the things that have been bugging me, not much comes up.
Last night we were up in Salt Lake to see a baseball game and firework show. We didn't get home until after midnight. Ryan was super tired. After we got home from church today, he was just a mess. And we had our neighbors over for some ice cream cake we made, and gave some to Ryan. I think the combination of the ice cream and tiredness made the next few hours hard.
Ryan wouldn't go to sleep and we had to be at Dennis' house for dinner. We always go after Ryan wakes up and if he goes to sleep late, we get there late. Jared struggled with Ryan for over 30 minutes. Finally I went into the room and told Jared to just let Ryan put himself to sleep. So we both left. 40 minutes later, Ryan was screaming for us. I finally went in and tried to get him to lay down. He said he had pooped. I didn't smell anything so I didn't believe him. But he persisted so I checked, and sure enough he did. I changed him and it must have been rashy because he was screaming so hard and kicking and kicked me in the face. That didn't help the situation. Finally we got him changed and calmed down a little, but he still refused to go to sleep. He threw his pacifier somewhere. Jared mentioned him saying his paci was dirty, and he had said the same thing to me but I quickly washed it off and gave it back to him. Jared thought maybe Ryan would like another paci. So he went and got some of his other ones and within a few minutes Ryan fell asleep in Jared's arms.
Now through all of this, Jared and my frustration levels were through the roof! And I know Ryan's was too. Jared can't remember if he changed Ryan's diaper or not before his nap, and Ryan didn't say anything about it to Jared, but I am sure he had pooped and that is the first thing we dropped the ball on. The second was me not listening to Ryan about his paci. How frustrating for him.
The hard part for me is to know when your child is being serious or just trying to get out of going to bed. I guess that's just part of parenthood! :)
I KNOW that a lot of his behavior has to do with me. I wonder if it's because we don't go outside nearly enough. This kid could LIVE outside. But with a new baby and my job, going outside every day can be difficult. Now I have to decide what my priorities are and how I can really make going outside everyday work.
Second, we put him to bed too late everyday. Jared's job is bed time, but some times he can be a procrastinator. That's just him. And instead of me just waiting until he takes him to bed and then getting mad that it was too late afterwards, I need to be more involved with bed time. Our goal this week will be for Ryan to be in his room and bed by 9 pm, not starting the whole routine at 9 pm.
Third, I need to stick to my guns. And along with that, pick my battles. I totally can not stick to my guns all day long if I am picking a battle over everything. I have other things I have to tend to. Is that right? Or should I not let up on anything and just know I have a week's worth of horrible ahead of me? That idea scares me.
Fourth, spend an hour of special time a day with Ryan. What if he's acting out to get my attention, even if it's bad attention? If this is the case, hopefully special mommy time can get rid of it.
I absolutely love my Ry Guy. His smile is so precious. I love his big eyes, huge smile, and cutest dimple in his right cheek. I love his sense of humor (most of the time, not loving the licking people humor right now.) I am so proud of him. Now I guess I better get to work so I can enjoy my two year old that much more.
Any suggestions are great. Sympathy is welcome too. :) Have a story you'd like to share... I wouldn't mind hearing that I'm not alone. Hopefully the first is the hardest. :) I hope I can get this down by the time Brady is a two year old. :)
If you read all of this, thanks for listening. Sometimes it's just nice to type your feelings out. Thank goodness for blogs! :)
14 comments:
Its kind of funny that this was your post tonight. My husband and I were just having a discussion about how to deal with our 2 year old, and we left the conversation without any answers, and feeling frustrated, then I read this!
I think the biggest thing I'm learning, is that kids really do just act this way-all of them. Neither my child or your child are some special case, although some kids are harder. So I am working on not letting it be personal to me-just understanding that this is a phase of life.
Second (and I'm not judging-just sharing a thought) I know everybody has to do what works for their family, but bedtime at 9 for a 2 year old seems pretty late to me. My understanding is that kids this age still need to sleep 11-12 hours a night. We put Cameron to bed at 7:30, and that is also the time all my 2 year old nephews go down (there are 4 of them). I think this is important for two reasons. First, Cam may not be acting tired, but I have to realize that his little body can only go so many hours between naps and bedtime. If we let him get to a point where he is too tired, he can be pretty uncontrollable. Secondly, it gives you a little more time at night to yourself and helps you to recuperate from a rough day. Brady may still be up, but he probably isn't quite as hard to handle as Ryan, so you can still get somewhat of a break. We put Riley to bed around 7, and Cam goes down at 7:30-then I have a full 2 or 3 hours to myself, and I can still get to bed at a decent time.
Okay, this is getting super long. Sorry! I just wanted to tell you that I totally understand and completely empathize with you, and we all have those really rough days where you are at the end of your rope! Hang in there, because I'm certain today won't be the last day you feel like this. Change what you can to help his behavior, and at the same time realize that you can't mold and shape everything, because in the end he has his own personality and you can't change that. Most importantly, like you said, choose your battles. I'm trying to pick the things that are most important for me to stand by, and the rest kind of needs to fall by the wayside.
I hope I don't sound preachy or anything-we are going through some of the exact same things right now. Hopefully things get better for you. Call me if you ever need a break!
I can offer sympathy! :) I understand what it is like being a mother of a two year old but all I have to worry about is my two year old. You are amazing!
For us, I love the book "Love and Logic" and I follow it religiously. I plan to read "Siblings without Rivlary" as soon as we decide to have another child. So that may be a good read too. I give tons of praise and I choose my battles. If I choose the battle then I follow through with it. We do not do time outs because they do not work for us. Instead if AliCherie is misbehaving I ignore her. Even if that means she is throwing a tantrum for over an hour. I ignore her until she calms down. When I started this she would tantrum for over an hour. Now she mostly tantrums for less than 15 minutes because it does not get her anywhere.
On days when AliCherie does not get enough sleep or is cooped up inside she acts out more. So I do what I can to help her get the sleep she needs and get her energy out with daily activities outside the home. On days when those things do not happen I just have to accept that she may not behave as well and to some extent I feel like it is my fault. Whether that is true or not.
Anyways... I just have a few minutes so I thought I would comment but honestly you know your child the best. And I am sure you are doing wonderful. I like hearing what other mothers do so I just thought I would share what I do. That does not make it the right way though and I am sure there are plenty of people out there who think I should parent differently. What is most important is finding what works well for your family and the individual child. I hope you find a good balance soon. Hugs!!!!
I agree with Camille. 9 pm seems pretty late to me. Maybe try 8:30 or 8 pm? I think that will help.
Also, at this age you can try giving him choices (that you can live with). Little kids also need a lot of movement. Maybe you could put on music and let Ryan dance around for an hour and jump around to get out those wiggles that come out before bedtime.
If you are having a hard day with Ryan, try to limit his sugar intake. I know that it seems mean to withhold a treat when everyone else is getting some ice cream cake, but everyone will be happier if Ryan isn't all hopped up on a sugar high when it is a hard day.
A little side note about spanking (and I am not saying this to judge, just as something to think about): How can you hit Ryan and have him not hit Brady? At that age, I think that it is hard to rationalize that. How does Ryan react to time out? With him being so social, I think that will affect him more than a spanking will.
Also, to help Ryan do things the first time that you ask don't count to three. Then he will learn that he doesn't need to do what you say until you say "three" or "I mean it". You could help him learn this by playing games with him. Like, Ryan, sit! Jump! Spin! Raise your arm in the air! Go get the ball! If you play those types of games with him, and take turns being "the boss" or whatever you want to call it, that will help him learn to do things when you ask.
What do you think? These are tools I learned when I was working in a daycare, and they worked for me.
I don't have kids, so I can't offer advice. But I DO want to wish you luck, and to tell you that I think everyone struggles with this stuff. No one's perfect, but I think you are perfect for your child. Do what makes sense!
When my brother was a toddler, my mom - who works late - would allow him to stay up until midnight (!) and he would sleep until noon. That way they were able to get some time just to themselves, no one else was around, and she was able to do things while he slept in the morning. Not that this is my suggestion for Ryan, I'm just saying not everything has to be the same for everyone. :)
Hugs!
I think you answered most of your own questions in your post. Believe me, I KNOW!!! Never in my life has someone been able to bring me to the brink of insanity as Cannon can do! On a regular basis I want to throw him into the street. Since we have moved, I get stressed a lot easier than I usually do. That's probably the same with you since you just had a baby! So here are some of my thoughts.
It takes kids between 70-100 times for them to rewire a network in their brain. For example, a toddler's body may feel like it needs to jump. Toddlers have little to no impulse control, so what do they do? They go jump on the couch. It's wired in their brain to jump on the couch when their body feels like it needs to jump. To rewire that network in their brain, you have to give them an alternative. The couch is not for jumping, you can jump on the floor. This is what takes 70-100 times for them to learn. It may sound like a lot, but if you are redirecting this multiple times a day, it may only be like 2 or 3 weeks until they get it. And what will happen is when their body feels like jumping, instead of jumping on the couch they will use the floor (or whatever alternative you gave them). This is why "no" doesn't work. It doesn't teach what behavior they should be doing. Use "no" sparingly, like when it's something extremely important. Then it will have more effect.
There are three parts of your brain. I'll just call them green, yellow, and red. Red is tantrums. You can't do any learning when you are in red brain. When you are in red brain, you just have to stop. That's when you just have to let the tantrum happen and then try to work up to yellow. Yellow brain is when kids are whiny or clingy. It's not a tantrum yet, but they're getting there. This is when you slow down. This is when you sit down and play with him or connect with him in some way. This will work him up to green brain. When you are in green brain, this is when you can learn. This is when you can teach things and when Ryan can play alone. Red=stop; Yellow=slow down; Green=go.
So when things are crazy, take 5 seconds to check in with yourself. You are probably in red brain. Take a few deep breaths and calm down before you proceed. Try and get to yellow or green brain.
Another thing I do sometimes when I just can't get myself under control, Cannon and I say a prayer. I know I have a lot of science in my parenting advice, but I think that teaching your child to pray when times are hard is a good lesson. It may not calm down your child, but it's guaranteed to work for you.
I don't always handle tantrums the right way. But once in a while I do a good job. There was one day Cannon and I were grocery shopping. We were in the check out lane when he started to have a tantrum. He wanted candy (which I was not going to give him) and he wanted to get out of the cart (which I was not going to do either). He was getting really loud and that was one of those times I wanted to strangle him. Coincidentally, the lady in the lane next to me was struggling with her toddler son having a tantrum too. She threatened him that they wouldn't go swimming. She slapped his hand and had other mean words to say. He did stop crying, but I could tell that he was sad inside. I decided to handle Cannon a different way. I knew that is was getting close to lunch time and his nap. I hugged him (he initially pushed me away) and I stroked him. I told him I knew he was tired and hungry. I said it over and over again. I told him that mommy was here. When he stopped crying I began to tell him what was going to happen next. Then we watched all the groceries get put in the bags. When we left, he was happy. He had a tantrum not because he was being bad but because it was too much for him. Now I wish I could always handle tantrum like that, but I'm not perfect.
One thing you mentioned is that you felt like Ryan was trying to get your attention, even if it was negative attention. You can do lots of little things throughout the day that makes him feel connected to you. This is probably a big factor behind his tantrums. He is used to being the center of attention, but his time is now divided with Brady and that's hard for him. Catch him being "good." When he is playing nice or doing something cute, notice it. If you give attention for positive behavior, he'll do more of it. Or when you are nursing Brady, call out to Ryan and tell him that you see him. Notice him lots of times during the day. Let him spend some one-on-one time with you and with Jared. Even if it's just 15 or 20 minutes in the morning and then again in the afternoon, that's good. Maybe one night a week he can have a date with you or Jared, like getting ice cream or something simple. And for sure have FHE every Monday.
If you find yourself getting stressed out easily, take some time for yourself. That's probably easier said than done, but it makes a big difference. And know that you are normal! And Ryan is a normal 2 year old! You are a great mom! 2 year olds are just jerks, but they grow back into their sweet selves again, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Thanks for posting this. It's a good feeling to know that someone else has the same feelings that I have. I have lots of books to recommend. I won't post them now, but let me know if you want them.
Wow! My longest post ever!
oh boy. the 2's are SO much fun aren't they? I think part of what makes 2's so difficult is not only are YOU learning how to deal with his tantrums/misbeahviors, but so is he. It's a learning process for everyone involved.
I don't have any specific advice to give you, but instead would point you towards two books that I have found a lot of good advice from. First, Parenting with Love and Logic. Just love that book. Second, 1-2-3 Magic. The second book is really good for helping you learn how to effectively implement time outs. So if you feel the time outs you do now are not helping him to learn, then check out the book. It's so very specific about what you say and what you do leading up to the time out, and during the time out. There's a learning curve...it takes a couple days of a LOT of time outs in the very beginning, but he's a smart kiddo - he will figure it out. I would be SO lost when it comes to time outs if I didn't use that book. I even brought our copy to Australia with us so that I would have it if I need it (which I have - I reference it all the time).
Hang in there mama! Whatever techniques you try, be sure to give Ryan a few days (or even a week) to figure it out. It wont work instantly so if you feel like on the first day things aren't getting better, give it at least a couple more days.
Good luck! We all have our moments. I'm with you when it comes to the older sibling hurting the younger sibling. I get so frustrated when Emily does something she knows is wrong to make Ethan cry...that's the hardest situation for me to handle (and stay calm).
Oh the joys!! Hang in there and know every parent with a toddler has been there. You know Ryan best and will know what will work best for both you and him. Just keep parenting with love like you are doing :)
The other day I was was telling Jake that the hardest age (so far) for me is from 18mo-2 1/2 yrs. I seem to be struggling a little more with Jackson than I did with Ava. He just doesn't listen as well as Ava did. I do see a little regression in him at the moment from the new baby. He always wants me to carry him down the stairs when before he would do it himself no problem.
Could it be normal boy stuff and new baby? I always hear that girls just mature a little faster than boys.
My kids also have issues when we put them down for bed around 9:00. 8:30 seems to be the trick in our house and Jake also tends to procrastinate bed times.I agree with the being stuck in the house all day that's why this last winter was so horrible. I think I will cry when it gets cold again. It also helps for my kids to see other people besides just me. That's also another reason why this last winter was so horrible. I am so glad Jake is around more often. I just can't wait for Jackson to have a talking growth spurt which seems to happen for my kids around there 2nd birthday. Lately I have been dealing with a lot of fighting and not sharing problems. They have been doing better through lots of time outs,hugs, and telling each other love you. I am just holding on to the fact that my friend says they do a lot better once they hit the age of 3 1/2 when they understand sharing better! Crossing my fingers. Just know that your not alone and it does get better. Although I think these problems get better and then new ones will crop up. I am scared for the teenage years.
Wow- I feel like I am reading my life. Two year olds are just HARD. Our bedtime routine and procrastinations sound just like yours, and I keep wishing I could put her down at 7:30, but lets face it- she won't stay down. Maybe I need to wake her up from afternoon naps sooner, but I'd rather not. :-) At any rate, it is comforting to know that MANY parents are going through this with their toddler, and we are all just learning how to cope with it together.
It sounds like you are already analyzing the situation and what you could possibly do differently- so I definitely don't have any advice- but I am empathetic!!! I just call these tough times our "learning stage" because I am learning to be a more patient and in-control mom, while my child is learning to navigate a new body in a new world. Good luck!!!!
I love that you got so many comments already! It does help to know the frustrations of parenthood are normal, eh? Shirley - my help is to be a listening ear. Sometimes you start feeling so overwhelmed, busy, guilty, etc. that you don't want to talk to people about it - but that's sometimes the very thing that helps. :) I can also offer some playdates! Ryan can come over to give you a break and to give him a good time with Scotty, or we can all go out to the park, etc. Let me know - I'm here to support ya, girl!
All two and three years old children are different. No one is the same.
You will have a lot of blessing because Heavenly Father give you a good trail with Ryan. You are good mother and Heavenly Father asked you to take care of Ryan for him. Ryan does love you and his father Jared. You both are wonderful parents.
I want to tell you about one member in my ward. She has three boys. Older son (I think he is seven years old) has the same problem. He has hard time to eye to eye contact, play wild, try to fled. She and her husband have struggle him to go to bed since he was baby. Her young two sons (four and two years olds) have no problems, obey, calm, easy to go to bed. just same to Brady when he grow up.
Be patience with Ryan and show him you and Jared love him and care him as long as you can. I am proud of you both.
I love you all and Ryan and Brady.
Heavenly Father loves you and Jared very much. He will give you a great blessing. He loves Ryan. Smile.
Sometimes you just have to breath and know that "this too shall pass" it is a phase and times will get better. Sounds like all normal behavoir, but frustrating for sure. I have heard good things about the book 1 2 3 magic and I am in the middle of reading it and think it is going to awesome! Good luck and hang in there!
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