Annie's Due Date - April 22, 2013

You always remember your child's due date. Ryan's was March 18th, he was born March 20th. Brady's was April 28th, he was born April 27th. As Annie's due date came nearer, I knew I wanted to do something to honor her. She did get a birth date, but I don't know if it will ever replace the due date since it means life and today she isn't with us. But I have to remember she is alive. Not on this earth, but in Heaven doing wonderful things.

Today started out with a doctor's appointment. I really wanted an ultrasound just so the doctor could make sure everything looked normal. I didn't really want to come out and ask for one though. I got on the table and he tried the doppler. We both heard it for a second, but he wanted to get a good reading and was having a difficult time. He asked for my wrist to feel my pulse. Even though I knew the baby was alive, the emotions from finding out Annie didn't have a heartbeat and it being her due date were too much. I just started crying. He said he was sorry and turned on the ultrasound machine to check out why he wasn't able to find it so easily. Turns out this baby is really high and not where most babies at 17 weeks are. While he was doing the ultrasound he looked at movement and fluid levels and said everything looked good. He pointed out the mouth and said it looked like the baby was sucking on it's thumb. We were both thumb suckers, so we had laugh about how terrible that is. So it was a good appointment, just super emotional with everything else that is going on.

My friend Amber is pregnant, due just a couple days after me, and had her appointment right before mine. It was kind of fun. While I was waiting I heard her baby's heartbeat in the next room and it made me so happy for her. She is one of my friends that knows the sadness of loss and it's a miracle we get to be pregnant at the same time together. She took me out to eat for breakfast at Kneaders and it was wonderful. Being alone on hard days like this isn't usually the best thing and it was really nice to be with a friend who understands what I am feeling, even if it's just confused.

After our late breakfast, I picked up Ryan from preschool and we came home. The boys ate lunch while I took a nap. Tender mercies. :) I found myself getting extra depressed though. I just wanted to go upstairs and sleep, a coping method I used when I lost Annie. After I put Brady down for his nap and got Ryan set up doing something to entertain him, I realized that how I was wanting to feel was like going back in time. I wanted to feel sad and miss her and think how unfair it is and all of that. I wanted to cry and I didn't want to feel peace. I feel close to her when I miss her like that.

Then I had the thought that she wouldn't want me to be like that. I felt her happiness and her desire and Christ's desire for my happiness. It was so interesting to be back in that place where I want to push away the peace and wallow in the sadness, but get a peek of what I've learned and gained through my trial of losing her. And since it is mostly her day, I got up and went to work.

I got all the items I received in her honor ready to donate. I am amazed by all that was given and the time and love that went into everything. I will do a separate post about all the items and the words given, as well as honor other angel babies whose mommies helped.

The first items I got were blankets that were made when the FB Angel Group I am on got together for a sewing night. There were four of us and many others donated fabric. We were able to sew 22 flannel blankets for angels. And my friend Julia has a embroidery machine that made the blankets extra special.

I received 34 Annie Blankets, all different and so beautiful. You can feel the love that went into them. I am so grateful to my friends and family that participated to help other families with angel babies as well as show us how much Annie was loved and that she isn't forgotten. I made 12 blankets as well.

The original Annie Blanket - the one that wrapped her up.

Then I wanted to also donate a fleece blanket with a crocheted edge to replace the one I received. I asked my amazing crocheter cousin Brittany if she could make one for me. She sent me 15! Plus wrote a tutorial for them in honor of Annie. She is such an example to me of the love of Christ. I know that the bereavement program doesn't get these blankets very often, so they will be cherished and families will know someone cares about them and their angels, even if they don't know them.

Another thing that I wanted to donate is memory boxes. I didn't get as many as I wanted, but I think I will try to do better with that on her birthday. I returned the one I was given because I bought a bigger one that was much more girly (remember how we thought she was a boy?) So I didn't have a lot of attachment with that box, and I know it could go to someone who needs it. I also bought two small boxes at the dollar store, but I'm not sure if they will be big enough. They might be able to fit someone's needs I hope.

Here are all the items that we donated (minus the two little boxes, they were downstairs.)

I made up a little print out to put in the box with all the items. I knew the people who run the program would know who it was from, but just have to make it official for officialness sake. :)

We met Jared at the hospital to drop off the items and took them up to L&D. The bereavement program actually goes all over the valley. So these items won't be used only for Utah Valley Hospital, which just shows how Annie's memory can go farther than just one place.

One of the nurses asked me if there was a reason we were donating these items, I told her that we lost a baby girl in November at 18 weeks and today was her due date. She said she was sorry, but what a wonderful thing we were doing in her honor. I got lots of tears in my eyes and felt reassurance that what she said was right and I had to thank Annie for pushing me to do and serve and be happy, not just curl up and cry. She is constantly making me a better person.

After the hospital we bought some pink balloons and wrote notes on them. I didn't write too much, because this part was mostly for the kids. I already wrote to her in her journal earlier today. But Jared wrote on his balloon and it totally made me cry. He is such a great dad and he loves her very much.

Ryan's balloon.

It was a very windy day! But still fun. The boys loved letting go of the balloons. It was so windy though that one got stuck in a tree, a tree that was pretty far away too!, but it was still very nice. Ryan kept asking when Annie would get the balloons. He said they would have to go into outer space and then asked if Jesus lived on Mars. I didn't even know he knew what Mars was. :) I love that this balloon release gives a connection for the boys to Annie. She will always be a part of our family. We took a video of it, it's pretty cute, especially at the end.


After the release we went to eat at Sizzler. Again, I thought about how I should have been in the hospital or sitting at home not wanting to go anywhere for a few more weeks. But I have to check myself because I know everything happened as it should. I am proud of my Annie girl and all she pushes me to be. I am also grateful for this baby coming to us and I know Annie is watching over us.

So all in all it was a good day. It was confusing, but at the same time, it will always be confusing. That is why I have to keep the faith I have that all will be made well. I do trust Heavenly Father. And I truly have been given the peaceful reassurance that it was not her time on this earth, and as much as it hurts, I am so grateful for that blessing. Today was seriously was like going back in time and going through those first couple of months in one day. What a roller coaster. :) But I am pretty sure I can say I got through it. And it was a day I will never forget. And again, thank you to all who helped with the blankets. You will never know how much it helped.

So my Annie girl, I love you to Mars and back. :) I am so proud of you and please continue showing me that happiness is something I deserve and can have despite Earth's trials. I miss you and can't wait until I can know you and hold you, my beautiful daughter. Billions of hugs and kisses to you everyday.